13 Things I Wish I'd Said

First in a two-part series

Years ago, I sat next to literary agent Laura Rennert at a writers' conference luncheon in Austin, Texas, and she wouldn’t shut up about an important project she helped bring to the market.

The book was called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher.
 

There’s been a lot of discussion recently on social media about the groundbreaking Netflix series based on Asher’s novel. I haven't seen the series yet, but the book itself was an overwhelmingly shocking and sad read. I finished it not too long after a woman I was mentoring killed herself.
 

I’ve known several people who have committed suicide: among them, my cousin and two women I mentored in a recovery program. There also have been many other colleagues and acquaintances who have “accidentally” overdosed. Statistics tell me that I’m not the only person who has lost someone to suicide. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 34,000 people commit suicide each year—about one death every 15 minutes. The WHO predicts that by 2030, depression will pass cancer, stroke, war, and accidents as the world's leading cause of death.

Caitlan, a woman I mentored, talked about suicide all the time. She was in her early 20s and in medical school, and she had already been in a mental hospital several times. She really tried to be happy. I remember her wearing a propeller beanie hat, just to fake it. Unfortunately, she was on a seemingly unending merry-go-round: recovering from depression with new medications, thriving for a while, but then falling again into a deep downward spiral. Caitlan said her parents never wanted to talk about how or why she was suffering. They just wanted her to get better so that she could be a doctor. They saw her potential, not her pain.

I remember sitting outside a coffee shop with her one night when she said again that she wanted to die. Every time she went back to med school, the suicidal thoughts returned.

“Do you even want to be a doctor?” I asked her.

“My parents want me to be a doctor,” she replied.

“But do YOU want to be a doctor?”

“My parents wouldn’t understand,” she said.

I asked her why she didn’t tell her parents that she didn’t want to be a doctor. She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. I few months later, she left a voicemail, saying that she was doing well. A few weeks later, she hanged herself.

I’ll never forget her. She remains a painful reminder to always talk openly about suicide—to go the extra mile to get those crying out for help the treatment they need, and then to keep talking about their feelings and to keep getting them help. Caitlan’s gone, and I didn’t get a second chance to say the things I wish I’d said to her. It’s too late. But maybe it’s not too late for someone in your life. Maybe by me sharing what I wish I’d said, you can say it to someone you love and help them through their rough time.

Here are the 13 things I wish I’d said:

1.     I LOVE YOU.

2.     It’s not your fault that you feel the way you do. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not wrong.

3.      You’re not alone. You need to know that. Other people have and do feel the way you do, and many have gotten help and gotten through tough times.

4.     I can see that you're in pain. If you share your pain with me and others, the pain will likely lessen. Let me help lighten your load.

5.     You can talk as long as you want—about anything—and I’ll listen. I’ll just listen if that’s what you want and need. I won’t try to fix you.

6.     I can tell you’re hurting. I can tell you want help and might not know how to ask for it. Can I make some suggestions of resources that might ease your pain?

7.     You can tell me anything—ANYTHING. You can ask me anything, too. I won't judge you.

8.     It’s O.K. to disappoint your parents. They’ll get over it. Trust me on this.

9.     You’re not bad for having suicidal thoughts. You’re not weak. You’re struggling. There’s a difference.

10. Suicidal ideation, however fleeting, is more common than you might think. (Cite statistics above.)

11. I know that your family has a history of suicide and mental illness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re not automatically doomed to follow this pattern.

12. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Can we brainstorm for alternatives to suicide?

13. I LOVE YOU, REGARDLESS.

Bringing the topic of suicide out from the shadows is important. When the topic and problem of suicide remains in the dark—remains taboo for open discussion—the person in pain may continue to feel lonely and alone. So go ahead: Talk about it. Get it out. Have you considered suicide in the past? If so, talk about how you felt at that time, what changed, and what life’s like now. Have you lost loved ones to suicide? How did you feel when you couldn’t save them? Talk about that too.

If a loved one or friend is in pain, pull out all the stops. Get the mental health treatment necessary. Tell the person that you love them a zillion times, and then tell them again. Tell them to not be afraid or hesitant to talk about their questions, fears, and pain. Tell them you’ll listen. And then be available to listen.

You may not get a second chance.